Today I was in a crash, not in the literal sense but my life came crashing down around me when he uttered the words “I kissed someone else”
I never believed words could hurt so much, inflict so much damage and end life as you know it, but those words did.
Four simple words heralding the end of a marriage.
Numbness coursed through me for what seemed like hours of deafening silence.
“Who is she?” were the words that forced their way from my lips, not really wanting the answer but needing so much to know more.
That is the funny thing about betrayal I think, you know that what you will hear will hurt you but not knowing the details will be worse, a kind of torture whatever happens.
He is looking at the floor, shoulders slumped, he suddenly looked smaller to me for the first time since we met “Just some girl at a gig, I don’t even know her name it just happened I’m sorry”
“Liar, you know her just tell the truth”
More silence, I think he is crying, I am just numb I want to cry, scream, shout but feel incredibly calm. This is important, there are things you need to know don’t lose it……yet.
Thoughts race through my mind, like leaves in the wind but no sound escapes my lips.
What does she look like?
Is she prettier than me?
Is she thinner?
Do you love her?
“Her name is irrelevant, you don’t know her and it doesn’t matter. We have spoken every day since I’m sorry”
How do you speak every day you live here, you sit in the same room as me, sleep in the same bed as me, tell me everything? Oh no wait, that was before the crash. It turns out while you were sitting across from me, sleeping in our bed and living our life you made that nameless woman a part of our marriage. The ultimate betrayal, how can I ever recover from that?
“What do you speak about every day?”
“Is she worth it?”
Silence again, then
“I am really surprised how calm you are, you don’t seem that bothered to be honest.”
What did he expect, weeping and wailing? Not really me, I internalise, analyse and then react, he should know me well enough to know that after 7 years of marriage? Shouldn’t he?
More unanswered questions are running through my head, but I can’t speak the words, I am afraid of the truth, and terrified of the lies.
When was it?
Where did it happen?
Have you seen her again?
Have you slept with her?
Do you love her?
“I am calm because I can’t believe you did that, I can’t understand why you would, I thought we were happy, I thought you loved me, how am I supposed to react? You tell me?”
“I don’t know, I’m sorry I have hurt you.”
Really, are you sorry? If you didn’t want to hurt me you shouldn’t have done it. Why didn’t you talk to me and tell me you were unhappy? Maybe we could have worked it out before it got to this point, to the end of us. Why is this happening? I thought you loved me, you told me you did every day for the last 7 years.
Why didn’t I see this coming?
“Things haven’t been right for a long time, we are just like best friends now there is nothing else anymore, you knew, and you didn’t try either so it’s not just my fault is it?”
Ah here it comes, some of this is your fault I am not the bad guy you are equally to blame! I wasn’t the one that cheated! I am not the one having an emotional relationship with someone else! Regardless of whether it was just a kiss or more you are the one that has broken the vows you made to me on our wedding day so no I will not take some of the blame for this. You made the decision to do what you did, so it’s all on you.
“You don’t even want to try to save us?”
The silence speaks volumes.